Morning Thoughts

I'm lying in a room that smells distinctly of boy, or I should say, man. He has drifted into the shower and left me with thoughts of stardust and the fact that we are all pieces of the same universe. 

Will we ever talk about normal things? Not that I'm complaining, I love that I can spend my time listening and conversing about the universe and language. I am finally in a place where my intellectual mind can roam free to play. 

There's something about family the you're born with that makes you feel like you haven't changed a bit over the years. Perhaps it's the fact that you're still their little blonde girl who dreams with starry eyes while awake. Perhaps it's because you still forget your keys at there house. But, there's something so static about your birth family. 

Your chosen family, however, watches you grow. After you've chosen them, they monitor you like a newborn babe, looking for any new progress to tell the neighbors about. It's strange, but perhaps we are always children. 

So here I am, lying in a bed that is distinctly man, wondering what changes will await my infant relationship with the wonderful people I hope to someday call in laws. It is good. 

So. Many. Feels.

I just want to start this post out with some generalized, romantic statement about life, because life has been happening so much. 

Honestly, I never realized how great things could be, but they are. 

In the next couple days, I'll have to say goodbye to some of my best friends. I'm really sad, because I love them. This last semester has taught me the necessity of a good group of friends. 

So, reader, I don't know (necessarily) who all of you are, but I wish you well. 

This thought process has just occurred to me and it's overtaking my mind.

Dear Reader, I wish you well. 

I wish you love and loss. I wish that you will understand that life happens when you let it. 

In so many ways, you won't be able to predict it's beauties, for they are their own wilderness. I wish that you will be able to see them with me. I hope you can sit back and enjoy a sunset or birds as they fall and swoop in the sky. 

I hope you can look into the eyes of someone who loves you and feel the explosion, the filling feeling of selfless love. I hope you dance in the arms of the person you intend to marry.

I hope you can share this experience with as many people as possible, because it's is so fucking beautiful. I feel alive with words, drunk on sunlight and fulfilled with the creation around me. 

Live. If you do anything, Live. 

You only live once. I'm an atheist and I truly believe this statement. So do everything, feel everything, experience the world with the understanding that you only get this beauty once. Know that every second is important and everytime you look into the eyes of someone you love could be your last.

We human beings are fools of the words "it won't happen to me." 

People Die. Loved ones, mothers, fathers, aunt, uncles, sisters, brothers-- they all die. Love them while you can, because each of our lives and existences is a mere blip in the big picture. We are blinks and fragments of moments and I hope that you will love that to its fullest. 

I hope you love. I hope you read this and you can see that even though I may not know you, I love you. I love this life. It is dark, it is bright, it is gray and it is every color in existence. 

Cliche or not, this is what we have and I hope that you get to have it all.

Love, 

Amanda 

Confessions of an Overworked and Underpaid College Student: May the Fourth Be With You

It is the final week. I've had all of my classes. Now, all I have to do is tie up loose ends.

Except I don't want to do anything.

I have the worst case of senioritis and I'm a junior. Shhh. That's a secret.

So, I sit at the kitchen table, pounding away at homework, when the thought occurs to me.


Confession #4: Queen Latifah movies are a guilty pleasure of mine.

I love them. Their plotlines are basic and all the same, but I just love to see a woman empowered. I love her attitude and style and how she's so comfortable in her skin.

When I was younger, I needed people like Queen Latifah and Sailor Moon to show me a strength of character. I still remember the line from Hairshop, after the beauty salon has been destroyed, where she looks at the antagonist and says,

"You think this will knock me down? You're wrong." - (I'm totally paraphrasing this, it just looks better in quotes.)

Now, you're probably wondering, 'what the fuck does this have to do with Star Wars?' 

Well, I'm going to move out from the node of "Queen Latifah Movies" into "Movies".

You're going to have to bear with my mind, I have the tendency to reach on subjects.

But! I FINALLY saw Star Wars this year. It wasn't my favorite movie, I'll be honest, but it was really good. And today is the Fourth, this is the Fourth confession... it all just works out neatly.

Plus, Farmboys have that "you can't knock me down" attitude. They weren't born into a silver spoon world, they had to make themselves. Something in life decided that they would be exceptional and they don't have an option in it.

Being a woman isn't something you decide, being who you are isn't a decision. You just are.You embody yourself and some traits from people around you, it's nature and nurture. At least, that's how I am. I look to the people who inspire me and to myself and try to just be the confused girl standing between these points.

My boyfriend and I had this conversation over ravioli with an old man eavesdropping. Life is balance.

It relates back to Luke, learning the force is learning to balance, understand and control this ability within himself. When you find balance, you find peace. When you find peace, you are courage. You know yourself and have the confidence to be who you are.

If I find one word empowering, it's strength. I don't give up. Or rather, I don't give up until it's going to hurt me in irreparable ways if I don't. Hell, my six word memoir was:

"I will not be knocked down."

So, I don't know where this sprawly post was headed, but it's gone somewhere and I like it's thought process. Good free writing and association.

Poppies

Poppies

Amanda Hill

-          For Mike

You are a changeling boy

made of star-light-china &

only the most breathtaking words.

Your eyes were blown by

a Scandinavian glassman &

I glimpse you at stone’s edge.

I am the mermaid in the well.

Trapped. Only by chance did

You see the glimmer of my scales.

I rest, Ophelia in the water,

to the sound of your name.

You reach into the well & take my hand.

Poppies bloom.