"Your love life will soon be happy and harmonious"

"Your love life will soon be happy and harmonious"

It's a fortune. I have it taped up on my mirror, but only for the irony of it all. I got this fortune two months ago. I'm starting to lose hope in its false magic.

In the last two weeks my life has exploded. In quick succession, I found myself a group of friends, my mother was in an accident, I had an entire relationship end in its foundling era and I lost my job. I wonder how I'm still standing.

Let's focus on the relationship for a minute. It's hard to love someone. It's hard to know that you need someone, especially for me. I've never needed anyone in my life. I seem warm and like I am close to a lot of people, but in reality, very few people know me completely. I spent my entire childhood moving around, I know how not to lay down roots. Suddenly, I wanted to plant roses during this Indian summer.

I could see growing old with someone. I fully trusted this person. Our relationship existed in cycles. This was the good part of the cycle and like a manic who hasn't taken her pills, I didn't believe the down cycle would come.

It did. It came in the form of a phone call. I'm still a little enraged by the fact that he didn't have the balls to say it to my face. He didn't have the balls to look me in the eyes as he went back on everything he had said only four days ago.

I listened as he hid behind excuses. I've spent more than enough time with this person to know when he's lying. I can feel it. I don't need to see him to know what's true and what's not. Besides, he admitted all of the things he's now taking back.

I'm alone, crying in my car.  I always cry in my car. She's the only thing in the world I own. I realize as the conversation comes to a close that there is an earth quake underneath my skin. Things are moving, changing. I tell him later that I don't want him to talk to me.

There's a small and angry part of me that wants to bring him to his knees. I want him to feel like I do. I want him to ache and burn at the words coming out of my mouth. I bury that urge. It's not ladylike or fair.

I think back to that fortune cookie and laugh. It's so ironic to me. I guess it didn't give a timeline for how long happy and harmonious would last. Do fortune cookies have a 12 hour limit?

Once the continents stopped moving, a new me was formed. I realized that these feelings, this hurt, it was an energy. I could channel it into other things. I do. I push against this anger, this hurt. I sing to myself, I write, I draw, I channel all of this into bettering myself. I start jogging again.

Oh nothing feels better than ten straight minutes of pounding feet and remembering the words that cut the most. If I feel myself slowing down or wanting to quit, I think of those things. Then I run harder. I run faster. After twenty minutes, I feel so much better.

I think of making myself a goals poster. Something to remind myself of what I'm working for. Being publish in undergrad. Studying abroad. A 3.8 GPA this semester. These concrete goals remind me that there are things other than a happy and harmonious love life to worry about.